hey all,
It is probably the cumulative effect of the weather, the fact that I've caught a slight cold, and the tough week at work, but I'm really not feeling too great right now. Climbing yesterday was fun, but I didn't climb too well.
Today especially hasn't been great. The morning was OK, as I played some games with Bri and talked a bit. After that, I met with John and we went to Harajuku, which is this obscene part of Tokyo where people dress silly and stand around for other people to take pictures of them. But there is also a nice shrine and several really nice parks.
John and his cousin left to meet up with John's girlfriend, while I waited around for my girlfriend to show up. I went shopping for a Valentine's Day present in the downtime, and bought something I think she'll like, which is kinda stupid considering my attitude.
I mentioned in the previous post that we fought in Kyoto. We actually fought twice: once on the train there, and once on our first night. The cumulative effects of these fights (and previous ones) are still hitting me, at least. I really don't know how to deal with our fighting, as it seems to send me back into childhood Mommy-and-Daddy-are-shouting-at-each-other mode. It's been on my mind recently whether or not we'll work out as a couple. In some ways we seem really compatible, but in others we aren't at all. Are the areas of compatibility fundamental or incidental? Can the incompatible areas be changed, ignored, or otherwise dealt with? Is it worth the effort to do that?
There are about 3,000,000,000 women in the world. I've met maybe a few thousand, at most. Probably had at least a few long-ish conversations with a few hundred, again at most. Dated 6. Out of the 6, Michi is by far the best. What are the odds that we'll work out? What are my chances of finding someone better? The fact that I'm thinking like this seems like an indication of emotional detachment that means: A) we're already over, B) I can be really cold in my thinking, or C) Both A and B.
In some ways, I don't feel really competent to think about these things right now. It seems like the daily stress of living in a foreign country (10 months, as of yesterday) is starting to catch up to me. In the near future, I'm contemplating either moving to a new city, or changing companies, or both, and I'm in a complicated relationship with a foreigner. The fact that I have been having fun at all seems to be some kind of miracle.
Anyway, we met up, and eat some delicious ramen, but didn't really talk too much. Then we walked around Yoyogi park and sat in a cafe, and preceded to get into another quasi-argument. She's been under a lot of stress at work, and is currently studying to get a new labor law license. I've been thinking about taking the JLPT, the Japanese Language Proficiency Test, and yesterday finally decided that this year I'll take it. If you can get certified at certain levels, you can prove your Japanese ability to your potential employers, and this opens up many more job opportunities, especially outside of being an English-language whore, ahem, I mean ALT. I hadn't told her about deciding to take the test, and she seemed to be getting upset that she was the only one trying to better her situation. I told her about my decision, and that seemed to clear things up, but...I don't know quite how to express it that doesn't sound stupid. Somehow her getting upset with me seemed unjustified.
To illustrate how deep this sense of JUSTICE goes, I remember vividly one incident involving a babysitter. I couldn't have been more than 7. Her son, a royal brat, had used crayons to color up the concrete basement floor. He blamed it on me, and I had to clean up his mess. I can still feel the anger, and the sense of the unfairness of it. I had done nothing wrong, yet here I was, on my hands and knees, scrubbing the floor because this punk had lied.
Now, here I am, living in Japan, trying to find a new job, trying to figure out whether I should move to Tokyo, studying Japanese almost every day, trying to decide about my (our) future, trying not just to survive but to enjoy my life, and she dare get upset with me for not trying? For not thinking about how to make my situation better? Screw that. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
Phew. I haven't been able to talk with some of my best friends recently, and in the case of Bri we haven't talked outside the context of playing video games (it's kinda hard to focus on a conversation when you're trying not to be shot). John has been busy chaperoning his not-too-bright cousin, and Michi herself is often too busy to even email. I find myself in a situation where the people I want and need to talk to are usually unavailable.
I'm going to stop now, because I can rant in this vein for pages and pages.
Cheers, or something like that.
